Well today, I have spent at least 6 hours looking back at my life of 32 years - reflecting on what if's, if only's, I wish, etc. I know 6 hours is probably not enough time but I can sum it up - a sad, lonely, bitter, confused life. Don't get me wrong - I know all of these words are negative - but I do have some really great members of my family who look out for me and I look out for them. But - when I look back at my life - these are my highlights:

* Earliest memory - watching my dad beat my mum. I was only 8 but I remember that day as if it was yesterday.

* Being verbally abused by my dad on every occasion.

* Me being responsible for the eventual break up and divorce of my mum and dad - I intervened and called the police who arrested my dad on at least three occasions.

* I left sixth form colege at 18 as that was about the time my dad left for good and as eldest child of three, I went out to work purely to help my mum with paying bills etc. I finally decided to go to uni after a year after lots of persuasion from my mum, but decided I would only go to a local uni so that I could live at home and work. Whilst doing my full-time degree course, I continued to work 35 hours during evenings and every weekend. I was shattered but managed to get a good degree (2:1)

* After uni, I continued to work where I was working whilst I was at uni. It was only 2 years ago I took courage (as I turned 30) to decide to leave and do a postgraduate course - this led to another career.

* Relationship wise - all my relationships have been doomed. Following the break up of my parents, I have never trusted anyone to get close to anyone. I even convinced myself at one stage that I was ready for marriage and stupidly got married but this lasted less than a year. I even convinced myself as being gay, but then I change my mind and fancy women. I go through these phases of confusion regularly.

Health wise - I have been conscious of my weight and appearance since I can remember - I am approximately 12 and a half stone but I feel overweight. In the past I have starved myself, made myself sick after eating and also taken slimming pills which have been banned in the UK (obtained through the internet). Coming from an asian-indian background, I am also fairly hairy and have also resorted to shaving my chast and back regularly. I paid over £1000 once for electrolysis in London - it hurt like hell and I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. A couple of years ago, I was also off work for approximately 4 months with stress and had lost over 3 stones in that time. When I eventually returned to work, I was monitored every lunchtime to see if I had eaten anything. Although I would in front of them, I would then go to toilet and bring it all up. I still take the slimming pills - I know they are banned but they seem to work and I dont feel hungry with them.
* I wish I had regular / decent friends - not just fellow work colleagues or fellow students - who I seem to lose touch with very quickly.

* Up to now, I am still in this career (which took off 2 years ago after my postgraduate course), but my heart is now set on pursuing what my first degree was in about 10 years ago. I am scared as at age of 32, am I sacrificing a regular income for another 2 years of expensive studying?

* I keep on telling myself life is short and I should never look back - but am I right? Is it just me or is life this bad all the time?